The Smart Ass News Vol. 1

Disclaimer: This is in no way to be taken as literal, real reporting. It is for entertainment purposes only. If you think this is real, accurate news... please seek help by a qualified psychological professional.

Gadhafi Auditions for Dictator Idol
Moammar Gadhafi led the way in the first round of auditions for Dictator Idol, held in New York on Wednesday. The much anticipated event featured a spirited rant about jetlag and a new JFK assassination theory involving swine flu.

"I just wanted to 'wow' the crowd, and show them that I'm willing to go all out as a dictator," Gadhafi said. "I just hope I make it to the David Letterman show, or I'll even settle for Conan."

Gadhafi's antics raised a lot of buzz around the world, while calling the Security Council the, "Terror Council," and comparing the Taliban to The Vatican.

It's amazing how little fabrication had to go into a spoof article about this - the real story is just simply entertaining, as is.


Obama Appoints 'Death Panel'
Congress passed the much anticipated health care reform bill, and the Advanced Care Consultation Board, or "death panel," as popularly named by Sarah Palin has been revealed. Shortly after the bill passed Congress, President Obama quickly named Batang, Kiko, and Iris, orangutans from the National Zoo to the panel that oversees $90 billion of the reform bill's budget.

"Without a doubt, Kiko, Batang, and Iris are definitely qualified, and will be unbiased, and non-partisan," President Obama said. "They are outsiders to the political game, and will serve the American public well."

The plan for how the orangutans are to oversee the death panel is to have three candidates enter a room, and whichever person they throw bananas at will not receive any additional care.

The panel will start hearings in February of 2010.


Jeter Makes Shocking Admission
Shortly after the game in which Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter broke the Yankees' all time hit record, he made a widely unanticipated announcement to the press.

"Alex Rodriguez and I have decided to get engaged." said Jeter. "We've been secret lovers since his Mariner days. Every time he would come here, or I would go to Seattle, we would hook up after the games, and look forward to the next time we would see each other."

"Now that we play for the same team, it's been much better for our relationship. We help each other stay relaxed, and let off some steam both before and after the games," said Jeter.

Though it was widely suspected, no formal admission of a relationship between the two had been mentioned prior to Jeter's statement. The New York media had noticed how Rodriguez' lips had been getting increasingly purple since joining the Yankees, and suspected some sort of foul play.

"I'm so excited and relieved that it's out in the open now," Rodriguez said. "I thought my lips would give it away - they tend to get more colored after Derek and I would... well, you know."

The happy couple hasn't indicated when, or which of the handful of states they intend on being married in.