Sunday, November 29, 2009

Look at Me...I Sparkle

Since I've had some time in the past week or so to begin shopping for Christmas, I keep finding a theme everywhere I go.  People are addicted to this Twilight-shit.  I've never read the books or seen the movies, however, I do know a few people that have.

What I don't understand, is why are people so obsessed with sparkly vampires?  That just sounds gay.  It's like, "I'm a vampire, and I sparkle," if only you could hear me say that in my uber-gay voice.  It's much more effective.

Then we get on to the main theme where some girl falls in love with the sparkly vampire and wants to have sex with him.  Hmm... yes, it's a wonderful thing to teach the youth of the world - we should all encourage each other to screw dead people.  Like OMG, the vampire dude is Sooooooooooooo hot.  Right.  He's hot and sparkly, apparently.  Not to mention how he spends time for a while stalking her and watching her as she sleeps in her room.  That reminds me of a creepy Clay Aiken song (...if I were invisible...I'd watch you in your room).

And after about 20 pages (or 10 minutes worth of movie time), you would think there's something better to do than just keep looking into each other's eyes.  And then I hear about the birth of some mutant weird half vampire, half thing that snaps the girl's spine thing (which also begs the question... how the hell does a dead dude get a girl pregnant?)... and some other weird vampire dude suddenly falls in love with it?  Ok, so the themes we're working with here are sexual orientation confusion, nechrophilia, and being a pedophile.  How is this a good book/series again?  Screwing dead people and babies is just not right.

So everywhere I go, this crap is all around me.  In the stores, there's Twilight everything.  Even fricking birthday cards.  On my homepage with latest news stories, it's "New Moon Tops Box Office."  At work, people talking about this crap.  All I will ever contribute to the whole Twilight talk is my uber-gay sounding, "I'm sparkly."

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A Rant About Fees

For as long as I can remember, I've hated fees.  It seems that everything has a fee.  Unfortunately for me, it always seems that I'm always paying fees out to people, instead of having fees come to me.

For example...two apartments ago, I had a fee-happy experience.  When I signed the lease, they said they were crediting my first month, so I didn't have anything due until my second month.  It was detailed in the lease I signed.  Cool.  I like keeping money.  15 days later, I got my first of many "happy letters," from the apartment management saying that I had to not only pay my entire first month's rent, but all the fees that accumulated with it because I hadn't paid, and had to do so by the following day or be evicted.  Well yeah, you told me I didn't have to.  Did you read the same paper as me?  You made it a big point that I didn't have to pay the first month.

So after much fighting to start my living experience at that apartment, I ended up having to pay back the first month rent, which apparently the person wasn't authorized to credit in the first place?  They at least dropped the whole eviction threat and let me pay it back over time, being that I was under the impression that I didn't have to pay.  It's not like I'm some deadbeat that chose not to pay.

So then came more, "happy letters," saying that I had to pay off the balance of my money due, else I would face more late fees.  So they're now saying that they're going to charge late fees for having late fees.  Does that make sense to anyone?

Here's another common thing - the laundry card... I had to pay $5 to get the laundry card, and then pay more money to charge it up so that I could use the laundry machines in my building.  All I see this as, is paying a fee to pay a fee.  How productive.

When I was in the hospital, I had to pay a fee to see anything on the TV besides what was on the menu for the day.  Couldn't over $6,000 a day at least get basic local channels?  Instead I had to pay a $12/day fee to watch basic cable.  Fun.

Hell, even on closing day I got hit with a fee.  The seller magically decided that I should pay for the remainder of the oil that was left in the tank.  Of course, they wanted way more than what it was worth, but the closing attorney quickly fixed that.  It just seems asinine to me - when you trade in a car, you don't seek an extra $50 in trade value just because it's got 3/4 of a tank in it.  In the grand scheme of things, $200 worth of oil in a house that sold for $179,000... what's the point other than to piss me off?  Next time I buy a car and trade mine in, I'm going to tell them to give me more for the gas in my tank, just to see what kind of response I get.

Cox likes to give me fees.  Like when I moved, they said, "oh, everything will be free for moving your services because you're a valued customer on this plan of ours."  I get the bill 2 weeks later and they decide to charge me an extra $15.  I call them and ask about this extra $15 charge, and they said that, "yes, the installation of your services were free, but the technician did some extra work while there that wasn't covered."  My answer, "like what?"  "Well, in the notes it says that he installed an extra TV."  "I'd like to know where this TV came from, and how it magically works without a second digital receiver box, because I don't have either.  I own one TV, and all the tech did was climb his fun little pole, did a dance, and suddenly I had a signal in here.  I already pay too much for this crap because you have a monopoly in this area, and I'm sick of your company trying to screw me that much more."  "...I'm sorry. I'll make a note on your account and have billing correct it."

Bank of America is another horrid culprit of stupid f-u fees.  I pay my credit card bill online, so I know it's done on time, and where everything is standing.  The game they like to play is that I'll send in my payment on time, but not process it until it's late.  This happened a few times, so I got hit with their ridiculous late fee, and then bumped up my interest rate because it's now magically not in as good of standing.  So, I ended up fighting my way out of a situation that they created.  Not me.  I ended up closing that account, and spread the word about how horrid Bank of America is, and encourage anyone who has an account with them to go elsewhere.  I suggest your local credit union - you can typically earn interest on a free checking account, rather than being raped.

I'm fairly young, but can still remember a time when there was no such thing as all the fees that most companies now charge.  What the hell is a baggage fee on airlines?  Is it assumed that people no longer need baggage, so bringing it along is a luxury?  I can maybe understand for excessively large or heavy bags, but common luggage that would carry peoples' underpants, shirts, and other necessities?  I guess I'll make it a road trip to Florida next year - sure beats the cost of flying.

I'd like for the day to come that I'll be able to live life without a dozen different companies trying to get a piece of me.  Maybe this is another reason the economy got flushed down the shitter?  People keep making shit up so that others magically owe them more money that they, themselves don't have?

Sunday, November 15, 2009

New Wiener Pill Causes Anal Seepage

It's amazing how many prescription drugs are advertised.  The thing I find funny are the side effects.  For example, a drug for allergies may cause nose bleeding, nausea, upset stomach, headaches, and runny stools.  But you won't sneeze anymore.  It's so worth it.

Another funny scenario I often think about is with Viagra or Cialis.  More in particular, "if you experience an erection for 4 hours or more, please seek immediate medical attention."  Here's how I can see that going...

So Bob was walking into an emergency room with wood.  He had taken Cialis 5 hours ago, and has had a boner ever since.  Since Bob paid attention to the commercials, he knew this was a bad thing, and not something that he should otherwise be bragging about.  He walks up to the check-in desk, and the receptionist says, "so what brings you in here tonight?"

Bob says, "well, I took some medication earlier today..."

Receptionist, "ok...what was it?  Are you experiencing some side effects?

Bob, "Umm... yes."

Receptionist, "what's the issue?"

Bob, "my little friend was only supposed to come out for a little while... he hasn't gone back yet..."

Receptionist, "...oh... I see..."

Bob, "it's been 4 and a half hours.  Normally I'd be happy about that, but I know that's not good because of the medication I took."

So what would the intake person mark as reason for treatment?  Excessive wood?  What exactly do they have to do if a guy walks into the ER with a boner that won't go away?  I guess there could be worse side effects, like anal seepage.

But back to my original point, why are prescription drugs advertising?  I remember not too long ago that there was no such thing as knowing about brand named drugs before going into a doctor's office.  I never had to ask my doctor if this certain drug is right for me.  He just prescribed a generic that was right for me, and I went on my merry way to get my drugs and get better from whatever it was that was making me sick.

Has anyone at least thought that this insane advertising might be contributing at least a little bit to why health care costs are nuts?  Viagra, at least at one point, was a primary sponsor of a NASCAR team.  That's not cheap.  I've seen several drug related commercials during Sunday Night Football.  Not cheap.  I'm sure billions are spent so that you can ask your doctor about the new way to treat your watery eyes, but might cause projectile vomit.  It's no wonder we're so drugged up.  Once you start on one medication, you need 4 more to treat the side effects.  I'd rather keep my watery eyes, thank you very much.

I Suck as a Blogger... Please Forgive Me

Holy crap.  I just saw that my last post was in September.  My apologies.

So the roller coaster is officially over, and I'm never getting on that one again.  It feels like one of those wooden ones that you feel like you're going to fly off the track, mixed with one that jolts your head around until you have that unmistakable headache in the back of your head.

High water came, and so did the closing day.  Fortunately, everything worked out, and I've been spending the past month or so getting settled into the house.  Closing day itself was rather anticlimatic.  After all of this crap that went on, I at least was looking forward to some fireworks or something.  Instead I got to sit in a room with an attorney and the biggest pile of paperwork I've ever seen.

The first 2 weeks after  I have a new appreciation for Lysol and 409.  They are my friends.  It was completely disgusting how the house was left.  Yes, I did a walkthrough prior to closing, but it was to the point where it's either deal with it, or the last several months were in vain.  It's like the people didn't own a mop, let alone a vaccuum.

Some minor demolition work was fun.  I ripped out a bunch of carpet and paneling.  Why the hell would entire rooms be done in paneling?  I'm not in a '70s porno, nor do I want to be.

The carpet appeared to be a grayish blue at one point.  It was more black and brown when I took it out.  Fortunately, there was perfectly good hardwood underneath, so I didn't have to immediately reinvest in more carpet.  I just had to let the floors meet my good friend Lysol, and all was well again.

So today I'm still working on getting fully settled in.  Most everything is done, but there are still about another 10 boxes that need to be unpacked.  I'm looking forward to not doing this again for a very long time, if at all.  Hopefully I'll be loaded to the point that I can actually hire other people to do this stuff for me.

Oh, and by the way, Cox Communications sucks, in case anyone was curious.  I literally moved within the same city, and not only lost my phone number because they don't transfer numbers to different service areas, but I also lost my e-mail address.  What the hell?  How in the hell did I lose my e-mail address just because I moved?  The e-mail address didn't move.  I'm sure it's still on the same server laughing at me now because I can't access it anymore.  Cox' response: "there's nothing we can do about it.  It's gone when you move."  I still have the same service, same account and everything!  That's the most asinine, cockamamie bull shit I've ever heard.

So yes, I admit that I suck as a blogger, being that it's been over a month since my last post.  Please forgive me.  I'll be back more frequently - I promise.